where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
