We got so high we made milksteak
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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