He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
is that a dick in a sweater?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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