Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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