The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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