Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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