I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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