I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
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