Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
