Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
