I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
