please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
