Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
