Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
