I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
