And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
