Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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