I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
