No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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