Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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