Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
