I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
