after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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