There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
