He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
