Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Don't make out with my wife yet
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
