She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
