I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
