There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
