I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
