5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
