apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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