I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
