I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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