i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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