You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
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