I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
