If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize