Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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