my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
