I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
