Banned from zoo.
Again?
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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