Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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