I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
