3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
