And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
