I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
