I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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