You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
