Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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