best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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