is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
