Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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