I don't usually arrange sex via text message
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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