I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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