Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize