I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
