Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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