I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
