God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i love accidental penises.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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