And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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