Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
