Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
