I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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