Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(816): View more from Missouri

you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too

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(941): View more from Florida

can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?

(1-941): View more from Florida

idk, I had a turtle in mine.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.

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(360): View more from Washington

Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"

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(812): View more from Indiana

I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.

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(585): View more from New York

If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.

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(650): View more from California

Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am

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