If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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