fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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