My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
