I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
