Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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