she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
