it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
