I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
